Questions

I haven't really known what to blog lately. All of the funny, trite, everyday sort of stuff seems so insignificant right now. To blog what I'm feeling would be completely depressing. To remain silent seems dishonoring to my dad. I couldn't really put into words all I'm feeling. I'm still walking that tightrope trying to decide what it is I really believe. Do I have faith? Do I believe what I say...what I teach kids week after week; and, more importantly, if I don't, am I a hypocrite? I have never prayed more fervently for anything than I prayed for my dad. So, on one hand, I feel completely let down. I feel like I was depending on God to work a miracle and he let me down.

I was reading in the book of Job last night looking for peace in Job's journey. We often praise his conclusion but overlook his journey. Job didn't curse God, but he certainly questioned him. I know in the logical part of my mind that God is God and who am I to question him. But, still, I question. I read the suffering of others and know that my suffering is mild in comparison. But, still, I question. I replay every moment that I had the last three weeks with my dad and still, I question. I want to come through this journey saying "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." But, for now, I question.

I believe God is big enough to handle my doubt. Perhaps even now, in my questions, God is nurturing a faith that I cannot even begin to fathom. Maybe my questions will produce a relationship with my God that is unwaivering. I hope that is true. For now, I'm left to grieve and to question.

Psalm 40:16-17

But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, 'Great is the Lord!'
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!

My Soul's Prayer

There is a heaviness deep in my chest that is much more than heartache. It is a groaning deep in the recesses of my soul that cannot be soothed but must be felt. To feel it is to weep uncontrollably, but to suppress it is to carry a pain so intense that it seems my next breath will not come. I realize that I am not alone in this anguish. There are countless others across the world who are feeling their own versions of it. Tonight, I pray for those. I lift up every soul that is unable to carry the pain it is being forced to feel and I ask God to lift that burden if only for a moment and allow those souls to be at peace, the kind of peace that cannot be understood or explained. The peace that comes only from knowing that our lives here are temporal, like the beautiful spring flowers that will soon begin to whither with summer's heat. The peace of knowing that to die is to gain access to a face to face relationship with Christ. The peace of knowing that heaven has to be everything wonderful that we experience here to a degree that we cannot begin to fathom. Lord Jesus, soothe our souls. Amen.

Voicemail

Abbee left me this voicemail last night...
"hey, Mom, it's Abbee. I was just calling to check on Paw. I'll talk to you later. In Jesus name I pray, amen!"

Wes said she got off the phone and realized what she had said and giggled like only Abbee can! Love that girl!

Faith

Not too long ago, I had some time to contemplate faith when a good friend of my parents was killed suddenly in a car accident. I remember thinking that you really don't know what kind of faith you have until life throws you a serious curve ball.

This morning, I was reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" and read that most people define faith as "belief in God"; but, faith is really "trusting God." If that is true, I would equate my faith to balancing on a tightrope. At times, I am at total peace, trusting that God is working for our good and for his glory. At other times, I am free falling without a net, paralyzed by fear of the unknown.

God has given us an incredible opportunity to trust him...to have faith that he is ultimately in control. When all human knowledge and intervention has been exhausted, it is God who still sustains our lives. I'm seeing every breath he is giving my dad as a precious gift. Dad's great spirits have certainly lifted ours.

I know that the moments of peace I am enjoying are a gift given to me through the prayers of people everywhere who are interceding for my dad and our family. If you have prayed for us, we are so grateful. Please continue to do so. We sense when we are covered in prayer and your prayers are helping keep me balanced on this scary tightrope of faith.

Update on Dad

Dad is still stable. There are many unaswered questions right now. We still do not know if he will be able to recover any lung function or if we are at the end of his disease. Each day is filled with moments of incredible joy followed by moments of deep despair. My Dad is still in GREAT spirits. His nurses told me they can tell what a joy my Dad is even though he can't speak. They love his positive spirit and his loving disposition. His nurses are a gift from God and are treating him so well. I feel that my prayer is much like the prayer of Jesus in the garden. We would all love for God to take this cup from us and we all believe he can. But, we are trying to surrender our will to His; and, if it is time for our Dad to go, we want to be at peace with releasing him. Please continue to pray for God's peace to fill our spirits. Our souls ache at the thought of losing Dad. His steady stream of visitors speak to the life of love and selflessness that my Dad has lived. He has taught me more about unconditional love and grace than any other person on the planet.

We are praising God for my Dad's great attitude, for the nurses that are caring so tremendously for him, for the fact that his hemaglobin numbers are up today, and for the peace that no matter what happens he will be with Jesus in the end. Thanks for your continued prayers... we see God's hand everyday and are being comforted.

Keep Praying

Lots has happened between the last post for prayer for my Dad and now...I don't have time (nor do you!) to list but I wanted to give you the "where we are now" so that you could continue praying for him!

He is in ICU after a blood clot traveled to his lung on Sunday. He is stable and making slow progress. His condition is still critical; but, God is answering prayer in a MIGHTY MIGHTY way. His immediate needs are that his blood clot will dissolve and that his pneumonia will heal. Those are two HUGE hurdles for him; so, we are asking God to continue healing in a mighty way.

Thanks for remembering him...

We Shall Overcome!

Abbee, Brody, and I spent the entire day fighting off lice! Brody has the advantage in that he has no hair. Armed with lice spray, nit gel, tea tree oil, blow dryers, vaccuum cleaners, boiling water, a washer, a dryer, and even a flat iron, we set out to conquer the little critters once and for all. If Abbee is not bug free, it is not for lack of effort!! Anyway, I think perhaps God invented lice so that moms could get some serious quality time with their precious daughters. Abbee has been a trooper. Here are some pictures that are sure to make you smile...enjoy!

Why did God make Lice?

It's 1:00 a.m. and I'm just going to bed because this evening around 6:00 p.m., Abbee found a curious little bug in her brush. After examining her hair in the sunlight, I confirmed that she has the disgusting little creepers crawling in her hair. So, when I got home from church, I treated everyone's hair, washed sheets, picked nits, vaccuumed furniture, boiled hair brushes, and I'm still not finished. I've gotta vaccuum the van, re-wash the linens everyday for a week, and pick more nits. Thankfully, I've only seen bugs/nits in Abbee's hair and no one else's. But, that will not stop me from obsessively checking everyone's hair everyday for the rest of our lives.

Our good friend Alex helped us keep our sense of humor (he was with us when we made the discovery). Abbee was recalling aloud that she had worn Hayden's cap on Sunday to which Alex suggested, "Just call him up and say I'm sorry. When he asks what for, say... Oh, you'll see in a couple of days!"

That totally cracked me up!

Anyway, I guess God is trying to force me to Spring clean...I was really hoping to skip that this year! Is anyone's head itching???

Pray for Dad

It's very late and I'm very tired but I wanted to ask all my good friends to send a word to the Father for my Dad. I haven't shared with all of you that he was diagnosed a few months ago with pulmonary fibrosis...an incurable disease that scars the tissue of the lungs and basically slowly (and sometimes quickly) robs you of your lung function. Unfortunately, there is no effective treatment to date so the medication he takes is experimental. Even worse, the medicine weakens his immune system. So, my Dad (who I can count on one hand the amount of times I remember him being sick in my lifetime) is sick for the second time since January. This time, he's in the hospital with possible upper respiratory infection (details sketchy...haven't actually been able to speak directly to my Mom yet). Anyway, bottom line, he needs prayer. So, if you would say a prayer or two on his behalf, he could really use them.