Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I haven't really known what to blog lately. All of the funny, trite, everyday sort of stuff seems so insignificant right now. To blog what I'm feeling would be completely depressing. To remain silent seems dishonoring to my dad. I couldn't really put into words all I'm feeling. I'm still walking that tightrope trying to decide what it is I really believe. Do I have faith? Do I believe what I say...what I teach kids week after week; and, more importantly, if I don't, am I a hypocrite? I have never prayed more fervently for anything than I prayed for my dad. So, on one hand, I feel completely let down. I feel like I was depending on God to work a miracle and he let me down.

I was reading in the book of Job last night looking for peace in Job's journey. We often praise his conclusion but overlook his journey. Job didn't curse God, but he certainly questioned him. I know in the logical part of my mind that God is God and who am I to question him. But, still, I question. I read the suffering of others and know that my suffering is mild in comparison. But, still, I question. I replay every moment that I had the last three weeks with my dad and still, I question. I want to come through this journey saying "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." But, for now, I question.

I believe God is big enough to handle my doubt. Perhaps even now, in my questions, God is nurturing a faith that I cannot even begin to fathom. Maybe my questions will produce a relationship with my God that is unwaivering. I hope that is true. For now, I'm left to grieve and to question.


  1. I don't want to sound like I know what you are going through, but I want you to know that I have felt your pain through your story. God uses our hard times to teach us to rely on Him. He knows our pain and the best part is He can handle our questions, speculation, and anger. He just asks when all is said and done, we still rely on Him. We still trust in Him. And we take it to Him, regardless of what "it" is. Thank you for your honesty and transparancy. And even though it doesn't feel like it all the time, God feels your pain and knows that it hurts, but He also knows that it is for your good and His glory.

  2. are amazing! i love you dearly and i'm hear to listen anytime!!

  3. wow, this paragraph sounds like I could have written it, for where I am in my life. It freaked me out a little to have a comment in my box from another "shellee" (with two "ee"s) :) I was like...hmmm...did I comment on my own blog and I just don't remember???? Just curious, how did you find me???