I haven't really known what to blog lately. All of the funny, trite, everyday sort of stuff seems so insignificant right now. To blog what I'm feeling would be completely depressing. To remain silent seems dishonoring to my dad. I couldn't really put into words all I'm feeling. I'm still walking that tightrope trying to decide what it is I really believe. Do I have faith? Do I believe what I say...what I teach kids week after week; and, more importantly, if I don't, am I a hypocrite? I have never prayed more fervently for anything than I prayed for my dad. So, on one hand, I feel completely let down. I feel like I was depending on God to work a miracle and he let me down.
I was reading in the book of Job last night looking for peace in Job's journey. We often praise his conclusion but overlook his journey. Job didn't curse God, but he certainly questioned him. I know in the logical part of my mind that God is God and who am I to question him. But, still, I question. I read the suffering of others and know that my suffering is mild in comparison. But, still, I question. I replay every moment that I had the last three weeks with my dad and still, I question. I want to come through this journey saying "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." But, for now, I question.
I believe God is big enough to handle my doubt. Perhaps even now, in my questions, God is nurturing a faith that I cannot even begin to fathom. Maybe my questions will produce a relationship with my God that is unwaivering. I hope that is true. For now, I'm left to grieve and to question.