Friday, May 23, 2008

New Mercies

It's amazing how God speaks to you even when you are trying to avoid him altogether. I've found that the anger phase of grief has crept over me even though I've tried to pretend it has not. The fact is, there is something so frustrating about loss. You can't wrap your brain around it. No matter how you try to comfort yourself with the "it could have been worse" speeches, you find yourself replying, "yeah, but it could have been better!" And that's what makes me angry. My dad should still be here enjoying his grandchildren because he invested so much in his family. I feel like he got robbed we all did.

As much as I ache and as much as I want to have a big fat pity party, I know that the reality of this life is that death and loss are part of the deal. We are all born into a world that is guaranteed to bring us heartache. That truth left to itself is pretty depressing and when left unrefuted can bring great despair. But we are offered more. That "more" comes to us in a little package called hope.

While I have been trying my hardest to avoid God, he has been holding me tightly... sending his message of hope through the love and compassion of others. A couple of days ago, I opened my email to find this:

Lamentations 3:22-24
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

[These are the words of my friend who sent the email]
The study I was reading along with this said that God gives us the mercy that we need each day. He doesn't give us a huge lump sum of mercy - he gives us what we need, a little at a time. I'm guessing that is so we continually have to come back to Him and ask for more. He's not going to give it all and send us on our way to deal with our problems.

Anyway, I was curious how The Message would say it, so here it is (the extended version!)

v.19-24, 28-29
I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all - oh, how well I remember -
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope.

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over.)
He's all I've got left.

When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.

And so God spoke his truth into my life. And I do believe that God will continue to hold me up and gently remind me of his love until I am somehow able to stand firmly in his truth again.

And to all my friends who are thinking and praying for me...thanks.


  1. You are an excellent writer! You have a great way with words!!

    Love you, girl!!

  2. To say that this experience has been painful seems too shallow of a discription. I've seen how deep the pain reaches and how frustrating uncertainty can be. I find great joy and pride in you right the depths of the trenches you fight hard to keep hold of what you know to be true. I miss you.