Today, my brother James (who leads worship at our church) said that when we can't hold on any longer, God is holding on to us...He never lets go. I have to admit that I have felt very "let go" lately. I find myself crying out to a God I'm not sure I trust and almost hear my own voice echoing back to me. It's a lonely, scary, uncertain place to be.
I'm finding that my faith is requiring more...well, faith! I feel nothing but sadness. My soul is heavy and my spirit feels empty. I have found myself begging God to reveal Himself to me, to remind me that He is indeed with me even though I feel utterly alone.
As a result of my spiritual barreness, I have been bathing my spirit in the psalms, particularly the psalms where the writer is asking God to "show up." I have been suprised in how many of the psalms the psalmist is crying out to a God that he feels has abandoned him. Words like, "Will the Lord spurn forever and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" (Psalm 77:7-9) have resonated with me on a level that I've only known one other time in my life.
I find that in this dryness of my soul, I am helplessly longing for God. Much like the psalmist in Psalm 42:1-3, "As a deer pants for flowing streams so my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night..." this is where I find myself: thirsting for a God who seems to have let go.
And yet, there is something deep inside the recesses of my soul that tells me to simply trust what I have claimed to believe all along...that God does love me and that God hasn't let go. I'm clinging to the hope that God indeed works all things for my good and for His glory, and I'm trying to surrender my will and be the kind of believer that is willing to lose it all for the glory of God...even when it hurts so deeply.
Sometimes I sense that God is whispering, "Do you trust me?"
I'm still undecided. I want to trust him. That's who I want to be.
But the hard truth about trust is that trust is only trust when it's given despite the circumstances. It's easy to trust a God who gives me everything I want and allows my life to be free from pain. But trusting becomes more difficult when God disappoints me. Trusting God in the midst of complete despair seems virtually impossible.
So I cry out to God and wait patiently for Him to hear my cry. I'm ready for a new song to fill my mouth and leave my lips. A song that speaks to a God that never let me go.