I'm not sure how to spell the actual sound that I would make if I could scream to the top of my lungs in frustration. But, if I knew how to spell it, I would type that sound right here...IN ALL CAPS! *sigh*
Sometimes it seems like I make my way to the surface just long enough to gasp for breath only to begin sinking to the depths of despair and frustration again.
I have been praying the words of Psalm 119:33-40 several times a day for about a week now. It begins, "Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end." I guess I didn't realize that God would do so by actually putting me into situations where I would get to practice following His decrees...against the extremely strong will of my flesh!
I am, quite frankly, one of the most stubborn people I know...and I know some seriously STUBBORN folk to be sure! I was hoping God would just change me in a *poof!* "be healed!" sort of way. But instead, I get the grind through forty different situations simultaneously sort of way.
I envy those whose faith seems to come easily. I bite, claw, fight, and wrestle my way toward truth and then usually fail the practical exam. But, I don't pray the words of that Psalm lightly. I sincerely long to delight in the things of the Lord. I desire a relationship with Him that causes the worthless things in life to actually appear worthless.
But I'm not even close. I still have much to be taught. So for now, I will sit in frustration...knowing the right thing to do...wishing I didn't have to do it. *Insert scream again here!*