Monday, September 20, 2010

Assault with an Impressive Backhand and Some Completely Asinine Logic

Several weeks ago, my sweet friend Jenny called me late one night with a proposition. She asked if me if I would like to spend the evening with some "blue hairs" (her words, not mine!) seeing some funny old lady that she'd never heard of.

Who would pass that up?

That date happened to roll around Friday night, so Jenny, her cousin Danielle, her mom, her aunt, her mother-in-law and I all loaded up and headed to Dallas to see "the funny old lady." Mind you, at this point, I had absolutely NO CLUE who we were going to see, where we were going to see her, or what to expect from this adventure! I could spend a whole post just talking about the ticket fiasco, Jenny's Aunt Lynn packin' heat, or the quaint Lakewood Theatre where the eventual assault would occur, but in order to get to the good stuff, I'm going to have to forego those details.

Due to the ticket fiasco that I'm not going to share and the two-stalled ladies' room at the aforementioned theatre, Jenny and I sat down in our seats just moments before an older bald gentleman took the stage with an accoustic guitar. He began strumming and to the lovely tune of "Just a Closer Walk with Thee," he began to sing a strange song about butterbeans! I glanced over at Jenny and said, "You have dragged me to hell!"

I'm a skeptic. What can I say?

Anyway, he asked us to chime in on the last couple of verses so Jen and I sang about butterbeans LOUD AND PROUD!

Thankfully, he was a one trick pony and quickly introduced the reason for the blue hair's convention in the first place: Mrs. Jeanne Robertson!

Now, I must be honest. Mrs. Robertson is FUNNY. And as a bonus, she is from North Carolina which means I could listen to her talk all day long! (You can YouTube her if you are curious! ) And, from the moment she stepped onto the stage, I was laughing!

In fact, I was quite enjoying myself when my phone vibrated signaling a text from Wes's phone. Keeping the phone INSIDE OF MY PURSE, I opened the text message. It said, "When r u comin home?'


"how late? like 10?"

"im not sure y?"

"i need u to come home"

At this point, I did not know that these texts were actually coming from Emma; and, since Wes is not one to bother me when I am out with my friends, I began to worry a bit. So I began texting back, "wat is wrong? is there an...." when WHACK!

I suddenly had throbbing pain in my arm! The kind of throbbing pain that I used to experience when my now brother-in-law used to stick his middle knuckle out and punch my arm!

Completely startled and shocked, I turned around to face the perpetrator. She was GLARING AT ME saying, "Unless you are a doctor, you need to put that phone away. It is VERY distracting. You are being VERY RUDE. You could at least lean over or something!"

I immediately felt a war begin between my flesh and the Spirit as I snidely remarked, "Yes, because it's very polite to go around PUNCHING PEOPLE!"

At this point, Jenny turned around and exclaimed, "YOU HIT HER? YOU HIT HER? I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HIT HER!"

My assailant manuvered back to a normal sitting position and snarled, "I didn't hit her THAT hard."

Let's pause just a moment to reflect, shall we? Because the 20-something Shellee would have jumped over the back of her seat and thrown that beast of a blue hair down making her rue the day she ever thought about laying a hand on me! The early-30-something Shellee, would have anhialated that beast of a blue hair with her words making her rue the day she ever thought about laying a hand on me! But, the now almost 40 year old Shellee took a few deep breaths, and tried to supress both the 20-something AND the early-30-something that BOTH still reside just beneath the surface!

Still hearing the still, very small voice in my head urging me to handle this in a Christ-exalting way, I tried to apologize explaining that I did not realize I was disturbing her, I was only checking on my FOUR children, and I was certain she did NOT have the right to hit me. Surely there was a more mature, less RUDE way she could have handled the situation.

Jenny concluded her lecture with something about kindergarteners knowing that they must keep their hands to themselves. And then the flesh overtook my mouth one more time, as I turned to Jenny , the woman now trying very hard to ignore us both, and said just loud enough for her to hear (and in my best North Carolina accent I might add), "I am sure she is a fine, Christian woman. She probably sings in her church choir." (These words were not at all dripping with sarcasm!)

At this point, my blood was boiling, my mind reeling, and the still small voice was screaming as I fought the urge to hold my phone up in the air and text for the rest of the show. I had lost all ability to focus on the funny old lady.

Fortunately, I refrained.

When the show ended, the perp clapped gleefully as I turned around and snapped her picture! I thought, if nothing else, I would at least get the enjoyment of blogging about her! (I used Grammy's camera, so I don't have the picture. If I get it, I will definitely put a face with the story!)

As we were filing out, she told Jenny and me that she was sorry, she forgot she had her big ring on and she thought that we were just a couple of teenagers texting our friends.



As our little group made our way outside, Jenny filled the family in on all that had transpired. Jenny's Aunt Lynn took my arm and said, "Honey, that is ASSAULT!"

The G-ma's were readay to hunt her down and gut her like a fish!

Too bad I didn't think to tell my new friend that Aunt Lynn WAS PACKIN' HEAT! I feel certain she would have been less distracted by my texting had I mentioned it!


  1. aw dang. wish i would have been there! we could have opened up a can together!

  2. Anonymous2:31 PM

    That's GREAT!!!! lol

  3. That's hilarious!!

    At least she thought you guys were teenagers!! :)

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