Sunday, April 19, 2009
Resting in Peace
Today marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. As I type it, it seems crazy. A whole year has gone by and life has continued without him.
This past year has BY FAR BEEN the hardest year of my life. I think that statement says two things about me. One: My dad meant more to me than words can express. Two: I have known little in the way of suffering in my 36 years of life.
I have to admit that today, with regards to losing my dad, I am at peace. Do I hate doing life without him? Absolutely. Is there a day that goes by that I don't think of him? Absolutely not. Am I glad he's gone? No. If there were a way to have him back on the earth with me right now, would I do it? In a heartbeat. But, over the past year, God has brought peace in the midst of complete despair.
This peace has not come easily and I dare say there will be moments in the future (perhaps before the day's end) that I will wrestle with trusting the sovereignty of God and believing in His goodness; but, I've finally settled into a place where I truly believe that my dad is better off with Jesus. His faith is perfected. He is free. He is complete. If given the choice, my dad wouldn't come back. Not even for me!
I've learned to sink deep into the sadness and not be afraid to feel it. At times I allow it to overtake me.
I've also learned to sink as deeply into the grace that God so mercifully gives me. It's always just enough.
Allowing the grief to penetrate the surface and settle into my soul has brought me so many times to the feet of Jesus. And, though I have wrestled with my faith this past year more than ever before, I have clung to the only truth that brings me even the slightest amount of hope: God is sovereign.
Every step I take is taken on the path he has laid before me. Even when my pride boils up and dares take on the God of the universe with my questions and my anger, he is constantly reminding me that he is in control. I can trust him.
Before April 19, 2008, I had never known what it meant to fully trust God. But, a year later, I have discovered that He is trustworthy. I do trust Him. I trust His goodness. I can feel His love. I am amazed by His grace. And, for today, I am resting in His peace.