Here's Where the Rubber Meets the Road...

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. 

-C.S. Lewis

I saw this quote yesterday at Life in Grace.  It pretty much sums up how I'm feeling after hearing that Wes will soon no longer have a job. 

There is very little we know besides that. All that is certain is that at some point in the very near future, we will have no income.

I have spent the last 24 hours reminding myself of God's goodness and sovereignty in this. 

And Lewis' sentiment is EXACTLY what I've been wondering. How painful is this going to be?

Because, honestly, though I am certainly tempted to doubt, I truly believe that God will absolutely do the best for us. But, I'm no stranger to the pain that is often involved in His best! 

So we are hunkering down here, seeing an opportunity to walk by faith. (Which is SO MUCH HARDER than walking by sight!!)

I know it's no coincidence that I have just begun memorizing the book of James. 

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you will be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

James 1:2-4

Or, perhaps you can see the irony in our Bible lesson this week: God Controls All of the Bad Things.

I taught that lesson to my children as I waited to hear the news we knew was being announced Wednesday! I knew God was preparing me. I knew the news would go into the "bad things" category.

But, here is what else I knew. God is not concerned with my comfort. He's after my heart. He wants me to love Him, worship Him, and live fully for Him. All things are from Him, through Him, and to Him for HIS GLORY and not mine.

So, my God will do the best for me. Only, His best will be aimed at my affections... not at my comfort.

I call this the "rubber meets the road" kind of faith. We talk about it; we study it; we teach it. Now, we get to live it.

I Believe. Help my Unbelief.

I remember the moment. I remember the circumstances. I remember my words.

"Maybe God is just giving you an opportunity to trust Him."

I remember believing, hoping, and praying that she would learn to trust Him.

Lately, my words have haunted from the recesses of my mind.

"Maybe God is just giving you an opportunity to trust Him."

And the still, small voice is pressing hard.

"Do you believe? Do you trust me?"

Life doesn't always go the way we had hoped. We don't get a say in the choices of others, and we can't make people do things the way we think they should be done. We don't get to control death, loss, disease. We can't change the diagnosis that will rob our loved one of their memories. We just stand there helpless as we watch it happen.

And, that's what I do.

I watch helplessly as life goes much differently than I had planned.

I wrestle. I wonder. I ache.

I get angry.

I long for control.

Isn't that the root of all sin? My belief that my way is better than His? Isn't that what I am really thinking?

All the while, it is there.

The whispered, "Do you trust me?"

Faith is not something you have, it is something you do. Despite the wrestling, the ache, and the anger you trust; knowing that someday, it will all be redeemed.

Knowing that even though I cannot see it, it is being redeemed.

God is not idle.

I am not alone.

He is redeeming.

Do I trust Him?

Pray for James

I was up much earlier than I care to think about this morning to ride with Leigh, James, and the girls to the airport. Unfortunately for them, GG was up at 3:30 AM!!!

This picture was taken on the the way home from the airport after she very dramatically informed her mom that she was NOT SLEEPY!

Please pray for James as he spends the week ministering to the people of Haiti. May he be an instrument of God's boundless grace and love.

Uncomfortable Grace

I heard this quote in a sermon a couple of weeks ago:

"God will take you where you hadn’t intended to go in order to produce in you what you couldn’t achieve on your own."

-Paul David Tripp

As I reflect back upon 2010, I would certainly say that I have found this to be true. In fact, for the last three years, God has continually (and not always so gently) pushed me out of my comfort zone, at times shaking the very foundation of my faith.

In doing so, He has opened my eyes to my constant need of His grace.

Tripp refers to this kind of grace as "uncomfortable grace."

It's the grace you get as you watch your dad die. It's the grace you get when you pull your children out of public school against their will. And, it's the kind of grace you get when you leave your church home of over 12 years.

But this kind of grace isn't only for the big defining moments. It's the kind of grace you get when you've yelled at your children. It's the grace you get when you speak without thinking and immediately wish you hadn't. It's the kind of grace that keeps reminding you of your sin, over and over and over. And, it IS indeed uncomfortable.

Yet, how amazing is it that despite my complete and utter wretchedness, God is gracious? He loves me enough to make me uncomfortable. In fact, he loves me too much to have it any other way.

Romans 5:20

Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Although 2010 was a year full of change, struggle, and uncomfortable grace, His grace has been sufficient. As I look forward with anticipation to what 2011 would hold, I am bracing for more of His grace. And, while I don't know in what form this grace will come, I am certain that His grace, even if it is uncomfortable, will be enough.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

P.S. If you are interested, you can listen to the sermon here.

A Must Read

Image taken from Holy Experience

This post has resonated deeply with me.

How do I comfortably continue to reconcile my wealth when so much of the world lives in poverty?

Ponderings on Pride and Faith

Disclaimer: This blog is a place where I can record moments and memories for me and my family. It is a place where I share laughter and sorrow. It is also a place I share things I feel God is teaching me. I do so because I want my children to be able to look back at this some day and have some insight into my soul...the good, the bad, and the ugly! The following is just what I feel God showing me today. It is certainly not a claim to having this all figured out.

We begin school each morning by reading a passage from the Bible and having a short discussion of what the passage might be teaching us. I opted to forego the curriculum suggestions and instead use a family devotion guide from Children Desiring God during this time. It has proven to be a great study on prayer as Jesus taught us to pray.

Today, we read 2 Kings 5:1-14. It's the story of Naaman, a commander in the Syrian army who happened to stand in high favor with the king of Syria. While Naaman boasted many victories (which according to 2 Kings were given to him by the Lord), he had one major problem. Naaman had leprosy.

It just so happened that Naaman also had a maidservant who was a Jewish girl of great faith (that he happened to acquire in one of his raids on the land of Israel) who pitied him and told him of a prophet in Israel that could cure his leprosy. So, after getting permission from the king, he set off for Israel to be healed by the prophet of the LORD.

When Naaman reached Elisha, Elisha did not even come to the door. Instead, he sent his orders to Naaman through a messenger, "Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be made clean."

Verse 11 says, "But Naaman was angry and went away saying, 'Behold, I thought he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the LORD his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper." He went on to complain that there were much nicer rivers than the Jordan, and the end of verse 12 tells us that he went away in a rage.

Finally, his servants talk some sense into him and he follows Elisha's instructions and is indeed cured of his leprosy and made clean. He also went on to profess that there is only one true God and that is the LORD God of Israel.

As we pondered this account together, I found myself face to face with my own stubborn pride. How many (many many many...) times have I become enraged when God's execution did not meet my expectations of His execution?

How crazy Naaman must have looked storming off, refusing to accept healing from God just because it did not happen the way he thought it should have happened. I'm sure his friends were scratching their heads thinking, but isn't it worth it to be cured of your leprosy, you pompous arrogant stubborn man?

I can look back over my entire walk with Christ from the moment I decided to follow through every step of transformation and sanctification that has occurred since that moment, and I can say that many times, God chose a path for me that I would not have chosen for myself.

I didn't choose to follow Christ until the Lord allowed my world to be rocked in such a violent way that the only way I could even hope to survive was to put my faith in Him. At the time, I saw that life-altering moment as punishment for not living the way I had been taught I should live. I now see it as the most loving act of grace that God has ever bestowed on me.

The same is true for each and every struggle, pain, and grief I have suffered in the sixteen years since. I would hope that my reactions would have improved over the years, but it seems that I, like Naaman, am a pompous arrogant stubborn girl. I actually think that I know better than the Sovereign God Almighty what is best for me.

If that were not true, then I wouldn't get so discouraged when God brings me pain. If that were not true, then I wouldn't resist so violently when God asks me to change. If that were not true, then I would not get so enraged when I do not get my way.

But, sadly, it is true. I am full of pride. I don't really trust God.

Praise God that He chooses to sanctify me despite my lack of trust. He chooses to patiently refine me despite my anger. He chooses to save me in spite of my stubborn pride.

As we went around the room this morning, each of my children could think of circumstances that God had brought into their lives that had made them angry. Each teared up as they related what they had expected from God and how he had failed to meet those expectations.

My prayer for myself and my children is that each of us, by God's grace, would be able to recognize our arrogance and instead respond in faith the next time God brings suffering our way. Because ultimately only God is completely trustworthy. Only God is always loving. Only God is unwaveringly faithful. And I am absolutely sure that only God knows for certain what is good for me.

May I begin to trust His sovereign grace...always for His glory...always for my good.

Resting in Peace

Today marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. As I type it, it seems crazy. A whole year has gone by and life has continued without him.

This past year has BY FAR BEEN the hardest year of my life. I think that statement says two things about me. One: My dad meant more to me than words can express. Two: I have known little in the way of suffering in my 36 years of life.

I have to admit that today, with regards to losing my dad, I am at peace. Do I hate doing life without him? Absolutely. Is there a day that goes by that I don't think of him? Absolutely not. Am I glad he's gone? No. If there were a way to have him back on the earth with me right now, would I do it? In a heartbeat. But, over the past year, God has brought peace in the midst of complete despair.

This peace has not come easily and I dare say there will be moments in the future (perhaps before the day's end) that I will wrestle with trusting the sovereignty of God and believing in His goodness; but, I've finally settled into a place where I truly believe that my dad is better off with Jesus. His faith is perfected. He is free. He is complete. If given the choice, my dad wouldn't come back. Not even for me!

I've learned to sink deep into the sadness and not be afraid to feel it. At times I allow it to overtake me.

I've also learned to sink as deeply into the grace that God so mercifully gives me. It's always just enough.

Allowing the grief to penetrate the surface and settle into my soul has brought me so many times to the feet of Jesus. And, though I have wrestled with my faith this past year more than ever before, I have clung to the only truth that brings me even the slightest amount of hope: God is sovereign.

Every step I take is taken on the path he has laid before me. Even when my pride boils up and dares take on the God of the universe with my questions and my anger, he is constantly reminding me that he is in control. I can trust him.

Before April 19, 2008, I had never known what it meant to fully trust God. But, a year later, I have discovered that He is trustworthy. I do trust Him. I trust His goodness. I can feel His love. I am amazed by His grace. And, for today, I am resting in His peace.