New Mercy Monday

I knew going into yesterday that the day had the possibility of being extremely difficult emotionally. In fact, I made several adjustments in my plans in case I woke up and decided I couldn't face the day.

Although it was an emotional day for me, I felt an overwhelming peace from the moment I got out of bed.

Later in the day, when I got home from church, I opened my purse and found three cards that three very special people had secretly placed inside. I wept as I read each one. Not just because I was thinking of my dad, but because I realized in that moment that I had been covered in prayer by my sweet, sweet friends. Each card spoke unique words of comfort and affirmed that God had appointed people to help me through the day.

I opened my email later to find that other friends had sent words of encouragement and scripture; and, I was again reminded of the God who is in the details.

There have been many days since my dad died that I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed. I was fully expecting yesterday to be the same. But, God made his mercies new to me and filled my day with hope and peace.

I am sincerely overwhelmed by the thoughts and kindness of those who prayed for me and my family yesterday. You are all very special to me and I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. Thanks for loving me and being the hugs of God!

Resting in Peace

Today marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. As I type it, it seems crazy. A whole year has gone by and life has continued without him.

This past year has BY FAR BEEN the hardest year of my life. I think that statement says two things about me. One: My dad meant more to me than words can express. Two: I have known little in the way of suffering in my 36 years of life.

I have to admit that today, with regards to losing my dad, I am at peace. Do I hate doing life without him? Absolutely. Is there a day that goes by that I don't think of him? Absolutely not. Am I glad he's gone? No. If there were a way to have him back on the earth with me right now, would I do it? In a heartbeat. But, over the past year, God has brought peace in the midst of complete despair.

This peace has not come easily and I dare say there will be moments in the future (perhaps before the day's end) that I will wrestle with trusting the sovereignty of God and believing in His goodness; but, I've finally settled into a place where I truly believe that my dad is better off with Jesus. His faith is perfected. He is free. He is complete. If given the choice, my dad wouldn't come back. Not even for me!

I've learned to sink deep into the sadness and not be afraid to feel it. At times I allow it to overtake me.

I've also learned to sink as deeply into the grace that God so mercifully gives me. It's always just enough.

Allowing the grief to penetrate the surface and settle into my soul has brought me so many times to the feet of Jesus. And, though I have wrestled with my faith this past year more than ever before, I have clung to the only truth that brings me even the slightest amount of hope: God is sovereign.

Every step I take is taken on the path he has laid before me. Even when my pride boils up and dares take on the God of the universe with my questions and my anger, he is constantly reminding me that he is in control. I can trust him.

Before April 19, 2008, I had never known what it meant to fully trust God. But, a year later, I have discovered that He is trustworthy. I do trust Him. I trust His goodness. I can feel His love. I am amazed by His grace. And, for today, I am resting in His peace.

A Post for Dad

Today marks exactly six months since we lost dad. I can't believe that six whole months have passed without him. It seems as if life shouldn't be able to continue without him and yet, it does. I remember driving home from the hospital being so angry that the world was just continuing as normal. I wanted to scream MY DAD JUST DIED...DON'T YOU EVEN CARE? But as much as it hurt to take my next breath, my next breath just kept coming. Life continued. It has continued for six months and it just seems impossible. I often wish it would at least pause a moment and let me wrap my mind around the gravity of it all.

My dad was the main reason I kept any kind of consistency with my blog writing when I first began. He was pretty much my one loyal reader and he was a demanding one! If I let too much time pass without posting, he would call and say, "You haven't given me anything good to read lately!" Now I know what you are thinking...does she ever give us anything good to read?! But, dad wasn't too harsh of a critic. I know for a fact that he read religiously but he only posted a comment one time (I'm kind of thinking it was because he still had dial up internet...NOT FUN!). I think his comment makes my point completely!

If my dad were still here, he would love my quote of the week...which comes to us from Abbee:

"Mom, if you want our house to be spooky, that wreath is getting us NOWHERE!"



I miss you, Daddy. Your absence has left an unfillable void and, although life does indeed go on, it will never be the same!